The History of America, Installment One

In 1492 Christopher Columbus was assigned, by the Queen of Spain, the task of finding new lands to add on to Spain, to make Spain bigger and more spread out. Being a peasant and having no formal training in ship building, Columbus quickly enlisted the help of long time friend, and wizard, Merlin. At the end of two short weeks, Merlin had constructed a fleet of 20 ships that Columbus would pilot westward on his voyage. The biggest of these vessels was the "Santa Ananana". Bolted to her mast was a 40 foot, golden cross with the wings of an eagle and the head of a serpent. across this assemblage was written, "vilci wilosca Hombre!", or "white falcon". When Columbus got to America, he attempted to land at Kitty Hawk, but the fog was too thick, so he turned left and then right again, to land at Mer Tyle Beach. The exact spot of his landing is now property of the popular Best Western hotel chain. After unpacking everything, Columbus sent out small scouting parties to collect firewood and spices for the new lodge he was planning to build. About that time, some of the indigenous people of the area showed up to offer food, fresh water and helpful advice on planting crops. Columbus had them killed and immediately began construction on a new performing arts complex that shared his name. This most ambitious engineering project would take 6 years and the equivalent of 9 billion of today's dollars to complete. Despite his efforts, the project was doomed to failure. The up and coming architect Columbus had assigned to this project, Gerhardt Wiley, had little experience building large structures close to the ocean and actually built the NW corner of the structure below the high tide mark. While his marketing department worked to spin this disaster with slogans such as, "the theatre in the sea!", Columbus knew his dream was crumbling around him. The poor structural integrity of the theatre led to many canceled performances. Cracked plaster walls, mysterious mold and the stench of rotting kelp slowly chipped away at the theater's, already small, clientele. In 1497, it closed its curtains for the last time. Two months later, in a fierce storm, it sank into the Atlantic Ocean. Depressed and in poor health, Columbus travelled to Toronto in search of muskrat oil. This was a highly sought after tonic in the 1400's. It was believed that muskrat oil could "Lift the spirits and luck" of those brave enough to drink it. If blessed by a Dominican Priest, it was thought to cure blindness and act as a mild aphrodisiac. Columbus never made it to Toronto. His party was attacked just south of Toledo by Tunisian raiders and forced to retreat to the Highlands of Wisconsin and wait out the long winter. His troop strength reduced to only 87 men and personally suffering from disfiguring frost bite, he reluctantly surrendered to the Tunisian forces on January 12, 1498. His 87 men were enslaved and shipped to Tunisia. Columbus was imprisoned, in isolation, on Loon Island, deep in the Canadian boundary waters. After two years of slowly befriending the guard assigned to him, Columbus was able to negotiate his own release and kill his captor.